Irvine's a cool name
by I'mTheGirlWhoLearnedToFly
Summary: It's the Big Day, and Clo's all chill...but Fred is crying over his lilies, Lucas is memorising the guest list, Miss Britta is trying to remember if she turned off the sprinklers (and the lasers), Miss Haley is keeping Alex from stealing all the food (well, trying to, anyway), and Alex is...practising his Serious Voice? Welcome to the fiasco that is the Irvine-Irvine wedding.


**DISCLAIMER: Why would the legit author write fanfictions? Because isn't the name a disclaimer in itself-FAN fiction? If the author wrote a fanfiction for her own fandom, then it would just be regular fiction. Like extra stories or additional content or something. Kind of like how author-headcanons would be regular canon.**

**But but but-whoa, wait. What if the author DID write fanfictions for her own fandom? Then the disclaimer would be a...claimer? Not the sassy, sarcastic ones we come up with, an **_**actual**_** claimer, like "bitches yeah I actually **_**do **_**own the fandom *sassy finger-snap*" and then it would be like never-seen-before content **_**disguised as a fanfiction**_** except it **_**wouldn't **_**be FAN fiction, it would be regular canon fiction and the brain-warp would be even more fantastic than Inception.**

**Kami-sama, with all due respect-PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.**

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**Written for my cosmic twin.**

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** -I. RELATION-**

Since Clo and Lucas were too close in age to be siblings, people often asked them how they were related. Honestly, though, Lucas really couldn't keep track of exactly _how _Clo was "related" to him.

Miss Britta had tried to explain. "She's your mother's father's younger sister's husband's nephew's brother's wife's daughter. It's really not that hard."

According to Miss Haley, "She's your maternal grandfather's brother-in-law's nephew's sister-in-law's daughter. It's really not that hard."

He gave up and just went around telling everyone she was adopted.

When they finally got engaged, he was supremely relieved-not just because Clo had accepted his proposal (with loud shrieks and borderline-violent hugs inflicted upon everyone in the immediate vicinity), but because _fiancée_ was so much easier to say than third cousin four times removed, or fourth cousin three times removed. Or something.

**-II. LOW-KEY-**

If Clo had had it her way, Irvine-Irvine wedding would not have been a big affair. A small, cheerful, private ceremony, where she wouldn't have to be all dressed up, probably outdoors, maybe a banjo playing in the background in accompaniment to the chirping of birds...

And then reality made its presence known in the form of two soap opera lovers, one unashamed foodie and a politically important General/adoptive father/distant relative/future father-in-law.

i)

"Are you _crazy?!"_ Miss Britta shrieked, "My two babies, both of you, finally getting married and-and you-" she couldn't even articulate her sentence properly. Miss Haley completed the sentiment by bursting into tears.

"F-finally-getting _married_-!" she wailed, "And-and-_low key! A low key wedding_!" And then Miss Britta exploded into soap-opera-style sobs too, and they both clutched each other and wailed at the general blasphemy of the whole idea.

ii)

Even if the two resident drama lovers hadn't insisted on a full scale wedding, Alex would have made sure of it.

"Are you _out of your mind? _What do you want a low key wedding for?! The best part of weddings is the food! The bigger the affair, the better. Plus," he added through a mouthful of muffin, "Miss Haley will want a big wedding, and I'll be damned if we have a wedding where the chef is in a bad mood."

iii)

The wedding of the son and adopted daughter/distant relative of General Irvine _was_ a pretty big thing, politically speaking. Garette had been distinctly relieved to find that the widespread horror her idea had induced had made Clo change her mind.

"Considering the Prime Minister invited us to his eight wedding last month, we have to follow the social protocol and invite him, you see," he explained. "I'm not sure the outdoor-low-key-wedding-with-banjos-and-birds would have flown too well. That man is mortally afraid of squirrels."

**-III. HYSTERICS-**

A)

The day of the wedding was a bright, sunny day, and Clo was terribly chuffed when she looked out of her window and discovered her prayers to Apollo-sama had not gone to waste. The wedding was still going to be an outdoor one-not in a secluded wood, but in the sprawling lawns of the Irvine estate (which was reasonably devoid of squirrels) and it would have been A Bit Not Good if the weather decided to rain on their plans-literally.

But she seemed to be the only person who was pleased with the day in general, it seemed.

i)

Fred was hysterical. "The lilies! They haven't turned out right! They were supposed to be the delicate purple of the twilight sky! This is a disaster!"

Lucas stared at the lilies, perplexed. "But...Fred, they _are _the...delicate purple of...the twilight sky...or whatever."

"They have a pinkish tint to them!" he wailed.

"That's not so bad-"

"THEY'LL CLASH WITH THE MARIGOLDS!"

Lucas sighed and gave up. The last thing he needed was for Alex to overhear him discussing flowers and pink-and-purple colour combinations.

ii)

"_OUT, ALEX!" _Miss Haley shrieked hysterically the moment Alex stuck his head inside the kitchen.

He (wisely) fled like a bat out of hell, but not before he sneakily swiped a jam tart from a nearby tray.

iii)

After giving Fred some quick moral support and reassurance, Lucas dashed off to go and memorise the twenty-seven-page-long guest list so that he wouldn't accidently address the PM's latest wife by his ex-ex-ex-wife's name. That had been an awkward situation, to say the least, and there was no way he wanted a repeat of that.

iv)

General Irvine was doing the same thing Lucas was. _He _had accidently mistaken the PM's latest wife for his daughter.

v)

Alex could be seen pacing in a secluded part of the garden, muttering something (in a curiously slow, grave, sombre Serious Voice...what?) to himself as his finished off the last of his (ill gotten) tart.

vi)

Even Miss Britta hadn't been spared by the jitter-bug. She was in charge of the security, and even though there wasn't a war going on, she was going _batshit crazy_ trying to keep track of all the twenty seven sheets worth of guests, their transportation, ensuring no one was going to block a road, and worst of all-making sure all the various security measures had been properly recalibrated.

The lasers had accidently been triggered during the PM's fourth wedding, and that situation had been considerably more awkward than the sprinklers going off in the middle of the ceremony.

Oh! The sprinklers! Cursing under her breath, Miss Britta bolted to the garden and shrieked at Fred to _stop wailing over the lilies because they're 0.006% pink_ and _turn of the damn sprinklers before we all get showered _and_ Haley will kill us if her cake becomes an impromptu participant in a water fight._

B)

"Good morning," Clo said cheerfully as she strolled into the garden, "Lovely day, isn't it?"

Miss Britta stared.

Fred stared.

Alex stopped his pacing and muttering and Serious Voice-ing to stare.

Miss Haley, Lucas and Garette weren't there, but if they were there, they would have stared, too.

Clo excused herself to get ready. The staring was weirding her out.

**-IV. READY-**

The wedding finally began.

The lilies had been paired with the orchids and the marigolds had been given to the little kids to play with and fling around, so Fred was fine.

The cake had turned out perfectly and the rest of the food had been saved from Alex's clutches, so Miss Haley was relieved.

Lucas was reasonably certain he wasn't going to address the PM's latest wife by his ex-ex-ex-wife's name.

General Irvine was _pretty damn certain_ he wouldn't mistake the PM's latest wife for his daughter.

Alex had decided that he was satisfied with his Serious Voice, and went to flirt with the bridesmaids and pretty female guests a bit.

Miss Britta had turned off the sprinklers and the lasers-had she turned them off? Oh yes, she had turned them off-so she was more or less calm. Except for the mini did-I-remember-to-do-that panic attacks.

Clo was still chill, and really couldn't figure out why everyone thought a wedding was supposed to be the most stressful day of a person's life.

She didn't say that out loud, though. She didn't think she could handle any more homicidal staring.

**-V. VOWS (a.k.a. REALLY, WHAT ELSE DID YOU EXPECT?)-**

"Oh, the vows!" Miss Haley was already sniffing uncontrollably, "Finally!"

Miss Britta had the handkerchiefs ready. Good thing, too-they both burst into dramatic tears before Clo even began to walk down the aisle. It made an..._interesting_ accompaniment to the string quartet playing the wedding march.

Lucas was resisting the urge to rock back and forth on the balls of his feet. He smiled nervously at Clo, who walked up to him with a 1000-megawatt smile.

Miss Haley and Miss Britta sobbed some more.

The music finally reached the end, Clo and Lucas faced each other, Garette got slightly emotional and borrowed Miss Britta's spare handkerchief, and the clerk began to read out the vows in a slow, grave, sombre Serious-and _decidedly familiar-_Voice:

"We are gathered here to witness the union of Birdie and-OW! _MADWOMAN!" _Alex shrieked at the top of his lungs, his voice four octaves higher than his usual pitch (and six octaves higher than his Serious Voice) as he clutched his throbbing foot.

Clo stepped back in place, pleased that the three inch wedge heels Miss Haley had insisted she wear had come in such good use.

Lucas closed his eyes for a moment and forcefully ejected the realisation that this marriage would forever be remembered as the union between "Birdie and Madwoman", and hissed at Alex, "What are _you doing here_?"

"I'm the best friend, aren't I?" he asked in an offended tone, "I thought it would be nice if I validated you guys' marriage."

"It's not nice," Lucas said through gritted teeth, "You're not making _any_ attempt to make it _nice_!"

He grinned. "Alright, so maybe I meant _fun_. Besides, women love a guy who can validate a marriage. It's very attractive."

"If you mess this up, Alex," Clo muttered, "I'll make sure _your face_ will be very, _very_ far from 'attractive'." She raised a foot warningly, and Alex immediately edged away.

Behind them, General Irvine coughed pointedly.

Alex shot them both dirty looks (_they_ were the ones being disruptive, oh, the _hypocrisy!_) and, clearing his throat, began speaking in his exaggeratedly slow, grave, sombre Serious Voice, "We are gathered here today to witness the union of two of my greatest friends, _Lucas_ and _Clo-_" he shot them both a Are You Happy Now Look, before continuing, "-in holy matrimony and all that shit." He ploughed on before Clo could do any more (potentially irreversible and certainly painful) damage to his vital anatomy.

"Clo Irvine, do you take this..._man_," he said, with no small amount of scepticism, "to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and weakness and little gusts of wind which he may or may not be able to stand-" he skipped smartly out of the range of her heel, while Lucas prayed to every deity he knew (and then some) that the ground would open and swallow him up, "and health, or lack thereof, till death or insane snipers and malicious tree roots and pathetic pods do you part?"

Clo almost forgot to say "I do", she was so busy trying not to burst into fits of startled laughter at the "insane snipers and malicious tree roots and pathetic pods" bit.

"I'm sorry, wh-? Oh! Oh, I do, I do," she said quickly.

"Fantastic," Alex droned, "Bir-Lucas, do you take this *cough*mad*cough* woman, to-ow!" he hissed, belatedly realising Clo had shifted so that he was within foot-stepping range. Clutching his foot, he gasped, "Lucas, do you swear to do all that stuff for her till sickness and death-and probably a bad cough, in your case-do you part? Ow-ow-ow-"

"I will kill you," Lucas swore, no longer caring about social protocol. Honestly, that had been shot to hell the moment Alex had opened his mouth.

"That's nice. Clo's waiting, Birdie, and my foot needs medical attention."

"I will ensure your _stupid_ _foot_ will be the least of your worries."

"Ha ha, that's cute, _Lucas are you going to say 'I do' or will you be our runaway bride for the day?"_

Clo bent down and took off her heels, holding them at the ready. "Lucas," she said sweetly, "do swear to all that stuff our extremely eloquent minister mentioned previously?"

"I do," he said, shooting another murderous glare in Alex's direction.

She tightened her grip on her shoes, and stood poised to clobber Alex the moment he was done validating the marriage. "Alex, that's your cue."

He gulped, looking nervously at her. "...InowpronounceyoubothmanandwifeSAVEME!" He bolted the moment the words were out of his mouth, with Clo racing after him after flinging her bouquet in the general direction of the crowd, chucking her heels in his direction with disturbing accuracy.

Miss Britta and Miss Haley were still crying, but they were possibly tears of laughter.

Fred was terribly dismayed to see his carefully constructed bouquet being so carelessly tossed, but when a startled Miss Haley caught it, he thought maybe he could live with it.

Miss Britta suspected that maybe Clo's shot hadn't been as random as it looked-she had excellent aim, as could be testified by Alex, whose head was throbbing painfully due to the hits sustained via Clo's footwear.

Miss Haley sadly came to the conclusion that she probably wouldn't be getting her heels back-at least not in a working condition.

Garette honestly had no clue what had just happened.

Lucas unconcernedly picked up an exotic looking fruit cocktail from a table which hadn't yet been attacked by Alex, and excused himself as he had to "go and help Clo finish off Alex before there's nothing left for me".

Emily just rolled her eyes.

Their friends from Papa's didn't look all that surprised that the wedding had turned out the way it did.

The rest of the guests seemed to be reflecting Garette's confused state of mind.

The political guests weren't as fazed as you would have expected them to be-after all, they _had_ survived lasers during the Prime Minister's wedding ceremony.

_That_, the Prime Minister finally decided, _was probably more entertaining than all of my eight weddings put together._

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**Because I ship Clucas and Frayley! \m/ **

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**(-^o^)-**

"_**No, I'm not writing an entire fanfic. I just had a headcanon."  
**_**Remember these words? Uttered just before said headcanon took root in my brain like some sort of soul sucking virus, forcing me to ditch studying during my exams in favour of writing this 2k+ fanfiction. **

**Famous last words...**

**For the awesomeness that is Jenny-chan~! Happy birthday, cosmic twin of mine!**

**-(^o^-)**


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